Monday, April 9, 2012

Mental Meltdown...

So as of the last few days, I have been going through a mental meltdown. I cannot focus on any of my work for more than a few minutes, and relaxing is out of the question. If I try to quiet my mind, I just get garbled nonsense from all the different things that are bothering me.

My main concern right now is to finish off the school year (four weeks of classes, then finals) and get home. Yet that is becoming more difficult by the day. This past weekend, I was told by one of my doctors that they wish to put me on an injection or infusion (my choice). This new medication would cut back on my flare ups, and let me live without a constant fear of when one will strike. Sounds great, right? Well it does, until you get to the side effects. The problem with both of these medications is, when combined with what I am already on, based on my gender and age group, fatal infections and strains of cancer have emerged. So why not switch the pills I'm on? I have rejected and had bad reactions to most of what is out there. So granted that these fatal "infections" do not always occur in every patient, but the risk is still very high. So now I await further information on the other injections and infusions available.

The issue with injections, is that I would have to administer them myself, and with my track record, not such a comforting thought. The infusion would be every two months, while the injection is every two weeks (another set back).

So with four weeks of classes left, work is starting to pill up, and I am slowly keeping up. Tests are coming and going, and it is almost time to register for next falls classes. So now I am also being pressured into keeping my grades up, and getting good grades in all my classes. Oh joy! I have toyed with the idea of taking a semester or a year off, and taking a couple classes at my community college, but at the same time, that is not really ethical or economical for me. Yet the thought is still there.

Lastly, my mind has been wandering to thoughts of a special someone. I miss her everyday, but it is something that I have to work through. Though I would like to talk to her everyday, I tend to get too busy to do so, even for a simple "Hey" or "How are you?" I just hope I haven't screwed anything up between us (and that is my greatest fear).

Struggling onward:

J. Curtis

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