Friday, July 6, 2012

Wandering Soul

I have become apparent to some of my flaws as of late. I'm a coward, and thus cannot truly say how I feel or what is on my mind. As such I can freely admit that I have the hardest time talking to people, especially women that I like and/or find attractive. There are a few that I can talk to easier than others, but they are few and far between. One of my close friends says that I need to be more forward and step out of my comfort zone. I have no problem with accepting that, except that my personality is to be a "people pleaser" and therefore focus on the needs and wants of others over my own.

My roommate once asked me why I never try to get with some of the ladies I talk to in Oswego. The reason is a simple one. Yes, they are attractive, but there is nothing that could keep us together other than an initial euphoria of the idea. Some may call it being "picky," but I consider it a practical reason. Would you buy a dog because you want one, but know that you cannot take care of it? No, you would let it go to a home that can provide for it. To me, the women that I talk to in Oswego, are people that I cannot provide for in the ways that they need to be cared for.

Maybe I'm just making excuses. I honestly don't know anymore. I feel lost, a shadow of my former self. Confused on who I am as a person, and what I am becoming. I'm scared of where I may end up after everything that has happened to me over the last few years. My focus shifts like the flipping of a coin, and I can never hold on to just one thought. A few days ago, one of my recent thoughts was concerning relationships for me, and how I feel about people. As a people pleaser, It would make sense for me to never commit to just one person since I care deeply for so many. Yet logically, I could feel this way because I don't have an outlet for my more romantic side.

On more than one occasion I have gotten fed up with the life I live, and the area I live in. As such, if I could, I would pick up everything I own and just leave. Cut ties with all my friends, and even my family, and just disappear to whose knows where, and start fresh and hope for a better outcome. But can one truly pull that off? We see it all the time in t.v. shows and movies, but is it possible in the real world?

Again I say, I feel lost. Joy for me has lost its lasting effects, and I find myself in a cycle of rage and sadness. Jealousy has consumed me more than I care to openly admit. Jealousy of the many in relationships and happy, and jealousy against the boyfriends of the ones that I care for. Though I can say this has been a learning experience for me, and something that I need to go through.

With that; Stay cool and hydrated this summer:

J. Curtis

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